“I think I’m doing pretty well overall,” I tell my therapist. “I’m not scratching in my sleep anymore, or wringing my hands until they blister.”
Geez. That sounds like a low bar, doesn’t it?
Maybe it is, but if you grew up in a narcissistic environment with a lot of gaslighting, (like, say, in a dysfunctional home or a high-control religious group), well…you learn to mask. Even from yourself.
I’ve practiced this kind of detachment for years, thank-you-very-much. It allows you to function, but there is a cost. Performed well enough and long enough, you lose sensitivity to your own needs, and eventually stop recognizing your emotions.
But that doesn’t mean you’re free and clear of dealing with life’s raw and sticky bits. Those pesky little feelings, like a giant balloon forced under water, have this oh-so-insistent push upward, only to surface the moment your attention slips.
Can you even hear yourself right now? That’s what the cards are asking.
In the Cards
The Kingdom of Heaven Tarot is laying it out for us in rich, angelic imagery.
Outlook: Queen of Pentacles
The Queen of Pentacles keeps inventory. What feeds you, what drains you, where you’ve been hiding from yourself because you’re afraid of what you’ll find.
That inventory-taking can be pointed for someone who’s been practicing not noticing. But that’s the energy we’re looking at. Just like the submerged balloon, awareness breaks through anyway.
You may be noticing that talking to your mother leaves you feeling guilty and anxious, but there’s that one friend who always leaves you feeling better. You could realize that you reach for a drink, or a mindless TV show when you don’t want to think about the tension in an important relationship.
Mostly, you may be telling yourself you’ll “figure it out later” about the problem you don’t know how to solve, because you’re secretly scared you won’t be able to (and it’s your fault it exists in the first place).
The Queen really doesn’t need you to know why or assign blame; she just needs you to notice so you make sure you’ve still got enough to go around.
Advice: Nine of Swords (plus The Emperor)
The Nine of Swords as advice always hits a little weird. It’s not like I’m going to tell you to worry more or miss sleep over guilty obsessing.
But the Nine of Swords still gives us vital insight: those fears, the guilt, the things you wish you’d handled differently? That’s your balloon. The card shows what happens when you’ve been holding it under too long. Its appearance isn’t something to wave off. It’s pointing directly at what you’ve been avoiding. As advice, it’s asking you to listen, in whatever language your angst is speaking.
I pulled a clarifier: The Emperor. He’s the antidote to the guilt and fears. And honestly? His way is usually less painful than the alternative. But he requires you to let the balloon surface.
This isn’t as bad as it sounds, though. The Emperor doesn’t shame-spiral. He looks directly at what has surfaced. He evaluates what’s actually his to own, and makes changes where he can. He is in control, always starting with himself.
Taken Together
I’m expecting a lot of focus on where we’re at in practical terms, and not necessarily just individually. This Queen isn’t self-absorbed. But to feed her court, she’s got to keep her own strength up.
But as the Nine points out, to do that, we’ve got to notice where our food is going sour. Noticing matters. It takes a lot of energy to keep avoiding a truth that wants to surface.
For me, that looks like checking the state of my (energetic) pantry. Where am I feeling confident? Where am I feeling frazzled? Am I showing signs of anxiety, guilt, or struggle in ways I want to keep explaining away?
Rather than slapping a nice, thick layer of denial icing on top of it all, my job is to address it. The Emperor is the antidote. Don’t run from it, make a plan. It’s like meal planning for the Queen. Know what you’ve got to portion it efficiently. Then, taking care of both yourself and your people gets a whole lot easier.
Your Turn
Where do you worry about not having (or being) enough? What do you feel uneasy or guilty about? If you can sniff it out, you can identify one concrete step toward taking control of it.
At least this is how I’m working through it. May your pantry (metaphorical or literal) remain well-stocked, friends! ~Dix
