“I hope you find peace someday.” That line landed hard, like a slap.
It doesn’t seem like it should, does it?
I mean, it wasn’t delivered as a backhanded insult like an old-school Southern ‘Bless your heart.’ That would have been trivial to dodge.
But the combination of kindness and unexpected insight–insight on a personal reaction I wasn’t clocking myself–made it intensely uncomfortable.
I support people leaving cults. I’ve spent decades deconstructing emotionally from my own exit. I can smell a guilt trip three states away, spot the chains buried in ‘loving concern,’ and untangle narcissistic tripwires with my eyes closed. I feel (and understand) this type of abuse at a visceral level.
And yeah, I absolutely get pissed when I see these dynamics in the wild. I know that ‘trust us’ playbook, intimately, and I know where it leads. I will tell myself (accurately) that I’m direct and blunt, that I am passionate about helping others break free, and that’s all true.
But the idea it doesn’t especially impact me anymore is the great lie I tell myself. The situation wasn’t personal, but my reaction to it was. And this random internet stranger, the one I was riding in to help save, saw right through my bullshit when I didn’t.
The emotional impact isn’t gone. Some scars don’t heal. But you can still find peace with scars–and that’s a damn good thing, seeing as how some scars don’t fully go away.
That’s the sort of energy I’m looking at right now.
In the Cards
Both these cards were reversed, but they photograph so much nicer upright. So in keeping with the theme. I’m going to pretend they are tidier than they actually are. 
Kingdom of Heaven Tarot–exactly what I was told I was walking away from.
Outlook: Hanged Man Rx
The Hanged Man Rx is you, giving away more than you realize. And you’re not just broadcasting it, you’re broadcasting something you can’t even see in yourself yet.
I wasn’t just moved to speak; I felt driven to make my point, and hard. This wasn’t subtle. It was loud. So when you feel driven to get loud, louder than the moment seems to call for, that’s your heads-up the dynamic’s in play.
Advice: Nine of Swords Rx
This card as advice is not a pat, dismissive admonition to “not worry so much.”
Let’s be real: it’s not like you can erase it. At best, you can close your eyes to it for a while.
But it’s also probably overblown. That’s mostly the point with this kind of leaky emotion we’re talking about. And that’s okay. The nightmare doesn’t have to run your life. But it might still show up on occasion.
Maybe that’s largely what peace looks like: giving yourself–and everyone else–the benefit of the doubt.
Taken Together: Slow Down
Both the urgent drive to ‘do-do-do’ we get from the Hanged Man reversed and the self-induced guilt, worry and straight-up sense of being overexposed could stand to be turned down. I mean, it’s okay if you’re already there. But that’s the aim here: turn it down.
So when I get smacked in the face with a hit of vulnerability (and worse, have it directly pointed out to me)?
Oh man, I want to go hide in a dark closet until everybody leaves before sheepishly emerging to pretend none of it ever happened.
I don’t, though.
Instead, I spend a little bit of time working through it to add that memo in with the other observations filed away in my ‘get-a-clue’ notebook. I’m not big on wasting insight. Especially the kind of insight that hits my blind spots. That’s valuable.
And that’s the same approach I’d suggest for anybody. Less self-flagellation and more deep-breath and ‘where did that come from anyway?’ You’re still going to feel exposed but you can get through it a lot faster if you don’t hop right on to a shame-spiral slide. It’s not helpful and it’s not warranted.
Try to be as kind to yourself as you would to an internet stranger. Even if it’s clumsy, it’s also healing.
Your Turn
Where are you finding your feelings extra loud? That’s the thread to unravel because it’s the one that’s hiding the raw places you’ve been protecting (even from yourself). And once you see it, what would making peace look like?
For me, it’s honoring both the wound and the good that came out of it. Both true. One doesn’t negate the other, for either of us.
Much love, friends, leaky or not. I’m rooting for peace for us all.
