May 10

05/10/12: How could I have been so blind? | 4 Cups



“Because you’re not what I would have you be, I blind myself to who, in truth, you are.’ Madeleine L’Engle

We’ve got the Four of Cups (Moon in Cancer)—the man is dressed in leaves, suggesting a cycle of active growth. Yellow, as the sky is here, often symbolizes intellectual or mental understanding, although since we’re in the suit of cups, we know the outcomes he considers have emotional significance for him. The three full cups on the ground show what he already has, while the other, offered ethereally, shows an outcome that’s captured his attention, not yet materialized.

I often see the Four of Cups when one is dissatisfied with life, looking for something very different from what they have. It can also indicate you’re missing what’s right under your nose, not appreciating what you’ve already got, or just full-on dreaming something up.

People see what they’re ready to see, when they’re ready to see it. Nothing more, nothing less. So very much is perspective, informing emotional response and flavoring experience.

That’s how you can live something, clear as crystal plain as day in front of you, and not understand it until 20 years later. Because that’s how long it took me, to figure out what happened.

I was 19. One of my father’s friends was there, banging on the door of my beat-up, trailer. I was dressed for bed, because I worked nights.

I desperately wanted him to go away. I was in horrible pain at the time, and he knew it. He was one of the ones deciding my fate.

He kept banging. So eventually, I poked my head out the door, trying to hide my thighs. I didn’t want to completely alienate him—but I did want him to leave.

So I tried to get him to leave. At first, politely. He kept pushing. He insisted I talk to him, insisted I let him in. I said no, still trying to be polite.

He physically pushed past me, into my house. I was stunned! He wasn’t even supposed to be visiting me alone—I knew protocol, and this wasn’t it. But to push his way in when I said no? When I wasn’t fully dressed? Really?

“You need to go! I’m not even dressed. You need to go!! You need to leave.”

Talking, talking, he just kept talking. Louder, he said I had to listen to him, I had no choice.

“No, I don’t HAVE to do anything!! We are NOT having a conversation! Get out of my house! You need to leave now!”

He wouldn’t shut up and he wouldn’t leave.


In between the arguing, he wasn’t budging. I just snapped, and started hysterically screaming at the top of my lungs.


He left. I don’t think it went down quite like he’d planned.

Now, I’m thinking most people hearing this story have a pretty good idea of what was going down.

Me? It took me literally TWENTY YEARS to realize it. I am not a stupid person, either.

And that, my friends, is a very long Four of Cups/How-could-I-have-been-so-blind? moment. It took me twenty years to be ready to see what was right in front of my face.

Have you had some of those “How-could-I-have-been-so-blind?” moments?

Morgan-Greer Tarot Deck
by Bill Greer & Lloyd Morgan

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Four of Cups, Moon in Cancer, Morgan-Greer

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  1. (((Dixie)))
    Thank u for this message.. I was feeling upset abt how my current life situation is and how I’m not transitioning as quickly as I’d like but this right now was loud & clear for me.. I have a lot to be grateful for and I’m learning to accept that proper growth takes time.. I’m abt to be 29 @ the end of the month & have been trying to figure out who/what/where I’m supposed to be… and I Know that I’m right where I belong, I just have to Believe it

      1. Hey CJ

        you’re right.. lol on top of that i got pluto loosely conjunct my moon but the sky as it is now trines some of my planets to give me some cushion

  2. You know what they say ~ “Hindsight is better than foresight.”

    I was dumb as a brick when I was 19, Dixie, and wouldn’t have had a clue, either. I was naive and completely trusting of everyone. I also wouldn’t have had the nerve to scream the way you did if I felt threatened. Thank goodness you let it rip! We do the best we can with where and who we are at the time, and you Aced it.

  3. I have. That’s what threw me into the deepest depression I’ve experienced since my teens (that, plus having a bunch of things pile on after that). I panicked, went to my parents freaking out, asking, “How could I have thought that was a good idea???” and then almost went catatonic. Some of it was about twenty years ago, others were from the late 90’s. It hit me *hard*.

    I’ve also had things hit me like the above, when I realized just how nasty someone intended to be. I’m glad you yelled at him. I was in a similar position, only not with an authority figure, when my sister’s boyfriend hit on me the first time. I’d had no sleep since some time the day before, I was exhausted and waiting for news concerning the health of a pet, and alone in the house with him. I couldn’t sleep during the day, when I was supposed to be, so I crawled into the shower, crawled into bed, and then heard this knock on my door. Trying to be polite, I opened it, and then he sat down on the end of my bed (without invitation) – he was drunk, and when I realized what was going on, and he was trying it on, I left.

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