August 3

08/03/11: Martyr vs. Mother | Queen of Pentacles


IMG_1494“The martyr sacrifices themselves entirely in vain. Or rather not in vain; for they make the selfish more selfish, the lazy more lazy, the narrow narrower.” –Florence Nightingale

Today’s Tarot forecast is the Queen of Stones, better known as the Queen of Pentacles or Queen of the Thrones of Earth, associated with Water in Earth. The Queen of Pentacles is undoubtedly a giver, albeit an exceptionally practical giver. She’s smart enough to make her own wellbeing a priority, realizingif she suffers, others suffer as a result.

The Queen of Pentacles is mother, not martyr. Those two so often become confused. Martyrdom,  says, “I sacrifice myself for you because you’ll sink without me. Because of all I’ve given, you owe me, and must do what I deem acceptable or feel guilt.” It may feel like love it first, especially if there’s fear and safety issues at risk, but scratch the under the gloss, it smacks of disrespect. Self-determination is one of the most basic rights.

Mothering is supportive and kind. It says, “I’m by your side. I’ll help and encourage you as you work through. I have faith in you.” Sounds nicer? It is, until a disparity in priorities crops up. That’s the real test. Acts taken in the name of someone else’s best interest begs the question, who are you really serving?

Grounding emotional energy with tangible, real-world action is the Queen’s forte. Don’t obsessively worry. Instead, DO something! It can be modest. In fact, it should be modest. Share dinner, offer a ride, help clean a room. The idea is to help with life’s heavy lifting in partnership, not instead of allowing others to do for themselves. We are all healthiest building our own muscles.  And if there is no partnership? Then let it go—it’s not ours to save others from required lessons or consequences.

The Queen of Pentacles eats at her own table—nourishing herself first, so she has strength enough to feed a crowd. She forces no one to adhere to her menu, nor starves herself to guilt diners into eating veggies. To everyone, she serves only what she feels good about providing, and allows some time between meals to restock.

You have some Queen of Pentacles in you?

Zodiac Tarot
by Lo Scarabeo

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Queen of Pentacles, Tarot Court, Tarot Queens, Zodiac Tarot

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  1. Dixie, the second paragraph ends abruptly at “Without”. I want to hear everything you got to say, what else was there?

    1. I just didn’t edit and proof as well as I normally do, Marly. I have no idea what was there initially, but I routinely reword things and move them around when I’m writing, so who the Hell knows?

  2. Ok, I’m not there to save everyone in a controlling way, and then play the martyr.

    This is like an Escher print… shift from martyr to mother, and do the mundane tasks with kindness, and then let go of the outcome, for each to learn their required lessons.

    Thanks for the absolute clarity…

  3. Can I give an example here? I’m caught in a codependent love triangle between my mother, myself and my son. I look at the mistakes my mother has made and KNOW I’m done with them. DONE I tell you. So, I have this pinging in my head about it. My son is currently not speaking to me and that’s my job as a mother to lead him in the right direction. How do I do that? (this hasn’t been easy). I’ve let go of the fact that I can’t fix my mother. BUT, I CAN fix my mothering. I could do the emotional manipulation thing. Guilt him into something. But that is exactly what I’m fighting against! How can I justify doing it myself? I can’t. And wont. So, the situation is, I have access to my son’s child (my grandson) near his birthday. Things are way to tense at my house to try to bring everyone there together for any type of celebration. Toooo much tension that in this instance, isn’t mine to deal with in the first place.
    What do I want to do? Ultimately, I want to spend time with my son and my grandson in celebration. So, I’ve found a middle ground. I’ll be taking my grandson to the park (weather permitting) and playing with him there alone on neutral ground. I have no intention of arguing. I have sent an official invitation to my son, describing the expectations..come together, celebrate, fighting and the details of when and where. His choice at that point to come or not. And I’m good either way. Worst case scenario, I spend time with my grandson alone in celebration that day. Best case, we all three rejoice.
    There comes a time in the path of “mother” where we have spoken all the rules and disciplined all we can. Beyond that, it is our job to love in a healthy way. Sometimes that means creating a safe place for them to land..if they CHOOSE to do so.

    This is what I, as the Queen, Value. And this is how I will find it.

    1. “Beyond that, it is our job to love in a healthy way. Sometimes that means creating a safe place for them to land..if they CHOOSE to do so.

      This is what I, as the Queen, Value. And this is how I will find it.”

      Beautiful, Josi. Beautiful (and helpful to hear).
      Happy birthday to the little Leo. :cat:

  4. Oh this is the perfect reminder for me today, thank you. “…you… must do what I deem acceptable or feel guilt.” That was operating in me without my seeing it so clearly as I do now. I thought I was toughening up my boundaries. I realize what I want to do, is let others do what they do, and toughen up my self, to not let their behavior get under my skin so much.

    “They” said they (he) would call tomorrow, and then didn’t until the following day. To me, that is unacceptable, and person is guilty for lack of integrity… for not being a man of his word. But I understand… plans change, the need to be flexible (again!? what is this, yoga class??? maybe). But is does mess with me — my trust in him. And it did trigger a lot of my emotional stuff to work through yesterday (and I do know it is my stuff just being played out for me to grow, heal, or something). I did manage not to get angry at him and instead to row away from that old “you hurt me, disappointed me” game.

    Anyhow… once again, I realize (guess) if I am taking really good care of myself, feeding myself and my own needs, it doesn’t matter so much what others do or don’t do, because I rely on myself, not on them, for my emotional well-being, and I make sure I am fulfilled regardless of outer circumstances. Oh… this is tricky… but that queen is my role model today, and I ask her energy to morph with mine so I get it… and learn how she deals with her sometimes seemingly lame beloveds. (I know, I am lame sometimes, too!)


    1. It’s very easy to slide into. But I can’t agree more, Lilly, that taking good care of your own needs means you’re less likely to over-depend on others. You’re strong enough to generate some Zen! :yinyang:

  5. My dearest Dixie, I don’t know where to start on this one LOL! This is a wonderful explanation of how to look at oneself if one has CONTROL issues.

    We’ve had security problems in the past & it became a really bad habit to “obsessively worry” & always look for evil in the shadows. I did become more controlling & I know I used the “I’m just concerned” card & it does smell of “disrespect”.

    I SO LOVE THIS STATEMENT: “Mothering is supportive and kind. It says, “I’m by your side. I’ll help and encourage you as you work through. I have FAITH in you.”. There is no GUILT associated with this, it’s respectful & shows faith. Maybe there’s a little concern in me that my JOB is protecting my family, especially my babies, & if I allow them to handle things then what am I supposed to do?

    “You have some Queen of Pentacles in you?” Yes I do; however, the cross I drag around is much smaller than it used to be. Maybe one day it’ll be small enough to where I can just put it on a chain to wear around my neck as a sign of FAITH versus dragging it around as a sign of GUILT. Here’s hoping!

    Powerful card today my pink haired friend (((D)))

    1. I know the concern is genuine, because I get it same as anybody else. I just keep reminding myself that the faith is a much more valuable gift.

  6. Oooh. I am going to use that cross for faith too, instead of martyrdom. Thanks for that imagery, and also Sofie’s imagery of the Escher print — martyr shifting to (the best kind of) mother.

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