“If you want to save me, you’ll have to stand in line.” I’ve said this many times. It’s a helluva long line.
A CD full of video, pictures, memories of family was playing on the TV. Gifted to my parents at an 50-something anniversary party I wasn’t welcome at. Nieces and nephews and babies I don’t know.
I am not good enough to include. I might contaminate the well, like a poisonous toad. My ideas are dangerous! They could get somebody damned to eternal oblivion! Somebody might get possessed. That’s handing the Devil your house-key and inviting him in for a drink.
I didn’t know seeing it would bother me until it did. But I braved every bit, all the way through until my brother finished by talking about how much he’s looking forward to living in paradise with them.
Everybody knows, I won’t be there. Not the “right heart condition.” Sounds like something that would keep me off a ride at Disneyland, not a fatal flaw that keeps you from entering God’s Kingdom. It’s means unrepentant, unbeliever, unsalvageable.
Divine trash.
“Why give me this?” I wonder aloud through the blur of tears. To share some love, or take another shot to save me? Feels like a shot AT me. But it doesn’t matter. Pragmatically, all one and the same.
“What is it that is dead and needs a burial? Is it an old point of view, something you’ve outgrown but not all of you realizes it? There is something here that you need to scrape from your life. It’s doggin’ you still.” -My Astrologer
The words buzz around in my head. I know they’re important, but I don’t know where they fit. Which cubby do they go into? It’s a muffled but familiar song, and I can’t quite remember the tune. Only I know it’s haunting me, whispers echoing in the dark.
Mercury’s sending a cable from the underworld. This doesn’t live without. It lives within. My astrologer tells me, “You ARE Mercury touring the underworld.”
Really, she’s right. I know the darkness and I find it’s hard to get the lingering smell off. The black Toad came to visit the black sheep. We are kindred. Looked down upon. Reviled. Pitied. Feared.
Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Fat. Wrong. Weird. Crazy. Immoral. Irresponsible. Not a quality human being. Broken. Unacceptable. Deluded. Confused. Stubborn. Impossible. Lacking. Eternally lacking.
“Shhh! Maybe nobody will notice…maybe they’re not right. Maybe I can just fly under the radar and be happy in my ignorance of my deficits.”
Yeah. Right.
I’ve blamed it on my chart. Saturn and Pluto, bitch-slapping the moon. Saturn-Mercury, always telling me to shut the Hell up. Uranus, making me a freak. I’ve blamed it on childhood, on exes, on society, on “them,” and on God. Who haven’t I blamed?
But it wasn’t anybody else. It never could be. Nobody else could make me feel that way, not without my compliance.
It keeps a wall between a person and their power, if they deny themselves their own identity. There’s a limit, how far you can shine when you keep a tarp over your light.
I’m trying to toss out the tarp.
Do people want to save you?
It boggles my mind when people want to “save” those who do not fit their narrow minded mold of religion. Being a Pagan Buddhist I have become more tolerable as I have gotten older, for instance I sat quite comfortably in a Jewish synagog recently. But I have zero tolerance for the willful ignorant who make it their mission to make everyone else miserable.
It tears me apart to hear this pain in you, because you don’t deserve it. You are such a light to others, a lifesaver, so far above.
I’ve been feeling a similar emotion, which I think of as a Twilight Zone theme. We’re trying to do the right thing, hold onto integrity, kindness, seeking truth. But a huge crowd seems to be unified in hostility.
I’m sure you would be surprised to know the size of the crowd behind you, supporting you, sending love and prayers as you move through this intense life experience, whatever the reason, astrological or spiritual. I think your gifts have made you obligated to endure even greater tests, and you will walk through the fire, and emerge with an even greater strength.
You don’t need to be saved… you are the one doing the saving. Your words are so incredibly powerful on a daily basis, I think you are supporting so many souls who would otherwise falter.
By the way… love you love you love you.
:cat2:
Thanks for the comments. Y’all are very kind.
I am doing fine, by the way. Processing, more than anything. A cluttered closet to clean out…
Hugs to you Dixie
Join the club !!! like you were writing my life story, so yes, felt every single word of this. Its a lonely world at times when those close and kindred see you as some form of freak – in fact its totally desolate and unconsolable some days……
……..especially when some and others are deliberatly out to demonise you for their own self-rightenouse…. I dont look right, I dont think right, I dont fit right… but hey… I am here …. by my choosing… not sure… fate seems to play such horrid games at times. But one thing is for sure… I am here… for what ever purpose fate has put me here… and if its a lesson for others to face their demons in me, then the job is done.
appols for the spelling… not my strong point
I’m sorry you’ve felt the sting, Carole, although you know, I’m not one to think these type of experiences are cosmic accident. That’s why I talk about my own sometimes, or aim to do whatever I can to grow from them and share them. They definitely have made me a lot stronger…as far as the spelling, it doesn’t bug me!