I work with a LOT of people who are unhappy in interpersonal relationships. Be it mate, child, parent, friend, coworker, whomever, there are issues. People want to know how make somebody change, although it’s not necessarily verbalized as such. The wish is still there.
Here’s the thing: you don’t make somebody change. You can’t. It’s IMPOSSIBLE. You can pitch, persuade, threaten, manipulate, cajole, shame, pray, encourage, reward, ignore, deny, or do whatever else comes to mind. Your efforts may or may not have an impact, but even if they do, it’s often temporary and it’s never YOU making the changes happen. It’s always, always, always a choice. We call it “free will,” baby! Everybody’s got it, damn it.
But it’s NOT impossible to change a problematic relationship. In fact, it’s remarkably easy. There’s only one sure-fire way to do it, though.
Change yourself.
Now, hear me out.
It doesn’t matter who’s “right.” It doesn’t matter if you “get it” or not, although understanding can sometimes aid in the search for compassion and patience. (Be careful what you ask for. Compassion and patience sound great on paper, but they are advanced life courses!)
Here’s the thing: the stuff that makes you unbelievably angry, or hurt, or crazy, or confused…all those things are inescapably a byproduct of your thoughts, your beliefs and your choices. The feelings always come directly from YOUR energy. The behavior of others is not your choice, but your response to that behavior is exclusively under your control. So your subjective experience of a relationship is also firmly within your own control, like it or not.
I’m not saying it’s easy! I’m not saying it’s your job to stick to the bitter end in any situation. Sometimes, bailing is the best scenario. I’m saying no matter what actions you decide upon, take responsibility for yourself completely. It’s an incredibly empowering act.
Because the followup lesson here is vital: the stuff that makes you the craziest? It does for a reason! That crazy-making stuff one way or another reflects your own shadow self. And those relationships that constellate around us? They also do so for a reason. You can dump the relationship (and the next sixteen after), but you still have to wake up with yourself and your own state. That doesn’t just go away.
That Five of Wands from the Legacy of the Divine always reminds me of this particular lesson, because all the conflict stems from the same tree. Every time you want to go ballistic, look in the mirror and ask yourself, “How do I see myself in these triggers?” I can promise you, you’ll almost always be able to locate a self-reflection.
We attract people and situations who match our own energy, our vibration. In a physical-world sense, we attract teachers of our own needed education. You can ditch the messenger but you cannot ditch the message. You can only do the homework or skip out, only to repeat the class until you graduate it.
This is how to break patterns. Once you shift your own energy, the relationship itself changes as a result. You’re always part of the energetic mix of any relationship involving you, eh? So when your energy shifts, so does the whole. It may shift to suit you, or it may fall away if it’s no longer required for your evolution. Maybe your shift causes improvements. Or maybe you don’t care any more, having dealt with your own stuff that brought you there. However it shakes out, though, you’re leaving stronger and wiser than how you started. At that point, it’s served it’s purpose and no longer has to be endured as-is.
The thing that keeps you chained to the pain is the lesson that’s lurking there.
Have you found this to be true?